Summer Antics
The question of whether it is possible for a summer to go by without my friend Richard committing a sex act with an under aged nymphomaniac is answered once more with a resounding no.
There exists amongst my group of friends "The Curse of 14", it afflicts certain members of our group and provides limitless fuel for mocking and laughter. Its origins are famous and so I ought begin there in order to better enlighten you as to the nature of the hex.
It all started about 2 years ago during the summer of 2001 when it transpired that Richard had gotten laid. Kudos was lavished on the guy and many props were offered to him, until he revealed that the girl was of the tender age of 14. Now let me make a few things clear, her age is certainly not an indicator of her being some nubile young virgin, the girl in question ( a certain 'Stacie' ) can be accurately described by the application of the term "Slag" and her previous sexual partner was a 21 year old. In all fairness she 'seduced' Richard (albeit in about as unsophisticated a manner as was possible) however the undeniable truth was that Richard had slept with a 14 year old and this would never be dropped.
The summer's transcript was interspersed with references to that very special number, indeed Richard himself was often just called '14' for effect. Then at the end of the summer Carl Bailey - one of the most vocal teasers, performed a similar act with the exact same girl. His activity was probably far worse given that he actively pursued relations with the girl and to all intents and purposes achieved his goal through the less-than-noble pursuit of getting her absolutely smashed. Carl had also spent time before that attempting to get his leg over with Richard's Sister a girl of equal intellect and promiscuity. Things did not bode well for the group.
The next to fall prey to the curse was Andrew. Although he has not to my knowledge, engaged in a sex act with an underage girl, he has spent the past 12 months in clear pursuit of that goal. Firstly with Stacie (will that girl ever keep her legs shut?) and later with Julie (Stacie's friend).
And so we come back to Richard and Sunday. Apparently Julie's friend Lucy (Dear god its like some bizarrely slutty sisterhood of underage essex slappers! - and must they all have names ending with "ie/y"?!) asked Richard in no uncertain terms, for permission to, and I quote, "Suck his dick". Richard contends that there is only one real response to this question but I would rebutt this assertion with the fact that the inquisitor was not even out of Secondary education (assuming she didn't drop out of school). The act was later confirmed by what I read of an MSN chat log between Lucy and Julie, the absolute absence of education has rendered both girls incapable of constructing coherent sentences or even employing rudimentary grammar but the overall effect is a rather detailed (and unwanted I might add) description of the exact proportions of my friend's wedding tackle and the girl's technique (NoOoOooOooooo!! make the bad text stop!!!).
And so it continues.
The only members of my group of friends who have not engaged in illicit illegal sexual activity are:
Ben: Because he's practically married already
Matt: Because he's in the RAF and the only action he'll be getting would be an unfortunate incident in the shower room
and Myself, because the only time I came close to illegal sex was with a girl who (thankfully) wouldn't date me because I was going back to Hong Kong. In truth she was about to turn 16 anyway.
However aside from the 5 full months of mocking which lie ahead for Richard (which I will joyfully engage in with absolute enthusiasm, in fact I have altered the 'De La Soul' track "3 (its the magic number)" to a more appropriate Integer) the whole debacle saddens me slightly.
To complete my post I would like to put a shout out to my two uncles currently getting the lives paid for out of my father's fee notes whilst I job hunt -
"I won't pay I won't pay ya... No waaaaay... Na-na why don't you get a job?"- The Offspring Posted by John Swaine at June 18, 2003 07:07 PM