A comedic take on the war for those of you who play (or have played) MMORPGS such as Ultima Online.. I felt like writing this for kebeol.net after I watched joyous Iraqis looting palaces :D
Following the evident conclusion of the Iraq War, Saddam Hussein has been complaining about the manner in which the combat was executed.
"For a start" Mr. Hussein complained "Those Coalition forces are exploiting.. Noone's that accurate, I bet they're using some Aim-Bots or something"
He also expressed some irritation that the coallition forces were using his 'hirelings' against him.
"They've been using some hex-editors or something because I definitly paid my upkeep on my minions! 40 minutes of propaganda a day and a healthy torture level. There is no way they should have started attacking MY statues"
Coallition forces declined to accept Saddam's claims of foul-play and instead offered the opinion that the swift capture of Baghdad was a direct result of their "l33+ sKilLz". Group Commander Al Lockwood of the RAF stated that the capitulation of Baath party forces in Basra was a clear indication of the superiority of Coallition skills: "ja we totally 0wNoRzed those Baath party biyotches!"
The Iraqi information minister was quick to counteract claims that coallition forces were rolling through Baghdad: "They are Infidels! Their gravestones will litter Iraq!.. And I am DEFINITLY not speaking to you on my mobile phone on the way to Syria!"
Baath party officials also expressed concern as to the amount of looting which has persisted throughout this war. Throughout the allied advance chants of "Death to Saddam!" were interspersed with cries of "Oooo!! ph4t l00t!!!"
"Allah damn them!" One official remarked "We leave our palaces for like 2 hours and they clean loot it!! Ffs they even looted all our lockdowns!!
Kebeol News was able to obtain some short interviews with Iraqis running out of one of Saddam's palaces.
"Hahaha! Check my M4D lewting Skillz!! Roxx0rz!" One Iraqi shouted. He claimed to have to use 20 Strength and Dex potions to be able to transport the fridge he was carrying to his flat
"We didn't do any looting!" One civillian replied to our questions "They simply forgot to pay the upkeep on the palace. We saw it was IDOC and anything that hits the floor is fair game! Get a load of my new jacuzzi!! This shit's got like.. +3 Dex or something! My wife is gonna be so happy!"
We were interrupted by a truck pulling what appeared to be a wheeled clothes rack of dinner suits passing us.
Mr Hussein also raised the subject of Coallition tactics.
"They are SO infantry-spawn camping!" he said
Kebeol news has obtained clear evidence of this practice as British snipers crouched half a mile away from Fedayeen positions. Fighters who emerged from their holdings were heard to shout "WTF?!?!" and "Spawn Camping infidel lamerz!!!" as they were picked off from great distance.
One militia man I spoke to was fed up with the war:
"Its so pointless. Everytime we try to do something we get totally Ganked and then the coallition forces are all like "I 0wNz jo0 n00bz!!"
" and like we are trying to hold positions 50 feet away from each other and those little bastards are smacktalking us"
As he said that a shout went up from across the street of: "haha suck it Saddam boy!!"
"Dammit you dirty little yankee bastard! Saddam be willing, it is YOU who will suck it!"
The marine called back "Haha go on you know you want to, your mum does every night!"
"Leave my mother out of this!!" the militiaman shouted.
We caught up with Saddam again as he was bundling into a truck on the way to Syria, he called for a new patch to be implemented:
"This war was so unbalanced!! I mean Iraqi equipment is gimped!!!" he cried "And dammit some of that coallition stuff needs a serious beating with the nerf stick".
Elsewhere Kofi Annan had this to say on the conflict:
"There is no substitute for the unique legitimacy of the United Nations.. But those Baath party officials are such care bear whiners!! And to be honest I'm getting pretty pissed off with these Frenchies.. They sold him more weapons than anyone bar Russia and they just can't stop meddling in the middle east and pissing off America"
The French foreign minister Dominic De Villpin reacted by saying "Dammit Kofi I'm right here!"